just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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