today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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