I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
