Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
