My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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