Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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