Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
