Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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