New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
