Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
