sarcasm needs its own font
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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