She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
