Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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