i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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