you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
