Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
