U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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