He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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