Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
