i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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