Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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