his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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