got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
