So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
did i just pee glitter
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize