Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize