i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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