last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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