i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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