It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He did a backflip because drugs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
