I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
