my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
NoShamevember. You game?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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