I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
