I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
