I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just high enough for therapy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
