Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
