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She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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