I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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