True but thats because hes a fetus.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
