apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
