Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
