mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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