I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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