Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
