I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
