my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
