I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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