no, he came in my armpit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
