I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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