Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
