Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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