your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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