Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
