I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
