quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize