He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
