omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize