I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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