Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
