i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
