3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
