alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
