i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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