Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
