no, he came in my armpit
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
