And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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